Learning The Subtle Art of Knowing Others

In this lonely, isolated time, David Brooks has brought us a book about how to break down the barriers and see each other. He is, of course, a gifted writer, and a journalist who shares some of his own personal stories to back up the research on the need to understand ourselves and look past our preconceptions in others to really empathize with the people who already are in our lives. He highlights the blind spots we have toward other people and toward ourselves, and gives practical ways to overcome the barriers and see each other. Brooks writes this book not only to make a difference in our personal lives, but also to make a difference in the world, as he explains that these personal relationships are the best hope for the continuation of our democracy and our potential connection between countries and cultures.

The premise captured me as soon as I read it. Over the past three years, I’ve heard so many people talk about how we just have to “come together” or “be united,” and what it always feels like they mean is that I need to put down whatever I’m thinking and feeling and think as they do. I’ve gotten tired of hearing this kind of sentiment, where it seems like what I consider good reasons to disagree don’t matter, because it’s the united front that is the important thing, and if we were just in “community,” whatever that really means, then we would automatically be united together. David Brooks takes a different stance. He says that it’s easy not to know the people we are around, that disagreements don’t have to alienate us from each other, and that we could all use some help getting outside our own heads and learning to recognize what’s going on in other people’s heads, both to help them and to be better friends to them. This stance is both more difficult and more authentic than the easy answers offered by public figures, and it’s the one we need to pursue.

I really related to the author’s personal stories, especially as he was a person who tended to hide, and I do that too. Because  knowing other people also requires knowing ourselves, this book took me to some difficult places. I read it when I was coming out of a period of fear and disconnection, and often I had to shut the book because I felt anxious. However, David Brooks believes that anyone can connect and can find a way out of the dark places by letting the self be seen and known and also in reaching out for others, and he spends the book describing ways we can learn to do all these things. His suggestions are well-researched and sensible.

I checked this out from the library, but I think I’d like to get my own copy so I can go back through it even more slowly and write all over it. The lessons he shares and steps for both opening to others and recognizing the truth in them are essential for living a wholehearted, honest, and connected life, but I think it takes some time to internalize and reflect on them. This is not a really quick book, but it is an important one, and I’m so glad that he wrote it, and that I found it.