Living a Real Life

“‘We’re all a little bit broken, though, aren’t we?...We’re all just good people accidentally on purpose hurting ourselves.’”

—Kelly Harms, The Bright Side of Going Dark

The Bright Side of Going Dark, by Kelly Harms, is about Mia, a social media influencer who goes offline to experience her real life after being jilted at the altar, and about Paige, a social media employee who hacks Mia’s account in order to not let down the fans, which includes Paige’s own sister. I thought this book would be pretty light, but it covers everything--family, suicide, friendship, the beauty in ordinary things, how we connect with each other--and I can’t stop thinking about its long-term implications in my own life.

There’s a lot of talk about the issues with addiction to phones, about FOMO, about how good it is to have a break from social media and from the phone in general. I always think, “Nice for you,” and I move on fast from that discussion. I have no intention of getting off social media. It’s fun, and although I don’t post that often, I really enjoy the pictures and posts from others and the ability to keep up with old friends. Especially over the last few months, when real-life connections have been the most minimal of my lifetime, Instagram has helped me feel like a part of the world, if only because I can see what other people are doing. The people I connect with online are real, which makes me reluctant to discount them, even if they are peripheral to my face-to-face relationships.

Social media has also been instrumental in issues of social justice, raising awareness and spreading information about the Black Lives Matter movement, and helping people understand the importance and the urgency of these issues. Through social media, I have been directed to accounts that helped me learn and books that have educated and guided me on these and other places that need justice.

But social media can also bring up a lot of irritation for me, as everyone has an opinion on both big and small matters. It all sometimes starts to feel like a lot of noise, a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. It echoes in my head long after I put my phone down, and then I find myself picking it up again, without even thinking about what I’m doing, working my way back into the noise that has become habit, the soundtrack for my thoughts.

That worries me.

I’m a noise person, as a general rule. I’m a strong introvert, but I really like being alone in a crowd, with all its noise around me and the knowledge that people are there if I wanted them. For years I’ve written on the couch with my whole family running around--watching sports, bouncing balloons in the hall, singing songs. I like having them there, and I like being available to them for whatever they might need.

But over the past few weeks, I’ve started writing on my back porch after lunch, with the tiny table pulled up to the cushioned rocker. The ceiling fan whirs overhead, and the sun glints off green leaves on the giant old tree in the backyard. Birds call, and a wasp buzzes past the screen. I hear the neighbor’s lawn mower, but the houses are far enough apart that I can’t hear their conversation as they float around their pool. It’s quiet out here. I lose myself in the slick leaves and white blossoms of the magnolia tree and think about one sentence for a long time. These have become some of my favorite moments of the day. 

Maybe I need the digital quiet more than I thought.

One of the things I truly enjoyed about this book is that it doesn’t villainize social media, which in itself is not the problem. Ms. Harms does an excellent job of showing the mess we make of real life too, when we want to stay one-dimensional. The quotation from the top of this post is true of all of us. We want everyone to think we have it all together. It’s just so much easier to fake it online than with the people who see us with dirty hair and no make-up. 

I’ll be thinking about this book for a long time, as I look for ways to slow down more and to live my life with my eyes open to the world and the people around me, both on and offline.

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