Trying to Write

Memories of Central Park. Travel is always such an inspiration.

I am trying to write again.

I write all the time--in my journal, on this blog, in notes and Instagram posts and text messages. Writing itself is not the big, daunting thing.

But this novel is.

It’s tickling the edges of my mind, and I spent quite a lot of time this summer brainstorming and developing characters and sketching settings, and I even wrote several chapters for a first draft before realizing I didn’t have the story yet. Now I’m backing up and just letting ideas tickle my subconscious and play on the page, trying on all kinds of different angles and thoughts. I’m trying not to rush. I’m trying to let it live and enjoy the process.

It’s really hard.

I’ve written two novels before, and I doubt anyone else will ever see either of them, but I don’t remember either of them being hard in this way. Both of them were born with pretty specific spines and characters, and this one is just a loose collection of ideas in which I’m interested. Not much else is very clear yet, so I’m trying to be patient.

However, I feel stalled everywhere, and it’s hard even to write a blog post now. All the words seem stuck. I finished a book today and deleted the blog post I had drafted about it. I didn’t feel I had anything to say. 

The thought that I might not have anything to say brings immediate panic, as writing is so much a part of who I am, and I try to quell the fear by--you guessed it--writing. I’m still writing regularly, even when it’s nonsense and I know it’s nonsense. I’m putting words on a page and words on this screen, sometimes even closing my eyes and just typing, like now. I firmly believe that if I keep showing up, eventually the things I want to say will come back to me. 

The words will come again.

I just have to stay faithful and keep coming back.

The Bible talks about running the race well, all the way through to the end, and as I see my writing as a gift to God, I am going to keep on running this race. 

I’m trying to write again. It’s not all going as I hoped, but it’s all an offering to God, and I trust he will use it for his glory.